


The shapes of your skin

by Blahhh



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: After Revolution, Angst and Feels, Connor is a precious cinnamon roll, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hank has a manbun don't kink shame me, Hank needs a Hug, Hank's demons, I mean it's Hank so obv, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human), References to Depression, Scars, Strong Language, all the kisses, so many feels, they both deserve happines
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-10
Packaged: 2019-06-08 12:35:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15243507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blahhh/pseuds/Blahhh
Summary: Connor finally learns about Hank's dark past and is trying his best to understand.





	The shapes of your skin

**Author's Note:**

> A huuuge trigger warning right here.  
> Please read the tags and if you're sensitive to any of the topics there, it might be best to avoid this one.  
> Anyway, I hope you enjoy! This story is very close to my heart.
> 
> Kudos and comments mean the world to me! <3

A few months have passed since the peaceful android revolution concluded in a success. The things between humans and androids were still tense but slowly, everything was starting to look brighter for everyone. More and more pro-android laws were being issued, letting them to be seen as rightful citizens in the eye of the law and people.

After the events that lead to Connor's deviating, he was left slightly confused as to what he was supposed to do from now on. There was no more objectives to follow. He was on his own now and the thought slightly terrified him. He wasn't like the other deviants. He knew that well. When he thought about his future, every single scenario somehow included Hank Anderson in it. The only friend he's ever made. Undoubtedly, Hank was something of a constant in Connor's life and a major factor in his way to deviancy, even thought he would probably never admit that. So when the Lieutenant spread the idea that Connor could crash at his place as long as he needed to, the android didn't have to think long before doing just that. He knew this could be beneficial for both of them. Hank wasn't exactly a man who could take good care of himself and Connor was happy to help.

As the weeks and months passed, the two kept getting closer to each other, feeling more and more comfortable in the other's company. Feelings were still something new to Connor but a thorough internet search clearly confirmed his suspicions that the overwhelming warmth he felt every time he was too close for comfort to the human, was actually romantic in its manner. For a time, Connor wasn't sure if his feelings for the man were reciporated. He cought the glimps and warm smiles Hank would often give him when he thought the android wasn't looking. The glazes that often would stay way too long on his lips that caused Hank to bit on his own before diverting his gaze again. But that wasn't enough evidence for Connor to act upon. That and the fact that he was a guest at Hank's house. His friend. He didn't want to ruin their friendship with something unnecessary. Until one night during their usual TV watching session, Hank couldn't take the tension anymore. He reached for Connor's face and placed their lips together. The level of alcohol in his blood was low, indicating that the man must have known what he was doing. So Connor didn't object. He was hoping for this moment for a while now. They both knew they lost the fight and from then on, it only happened more often. And Connor couldn't be happier. He had a friend by his side, a man he actually loved and admired, not afraid anymore that things could go sideways. It just felt right. With Connor's help, Hank was even slowly reducing his alcohol abuse and was starting to eat healthier.

The android knew about Hank's mental health and self-esteem issues so he never insisted on taking Hank's clothes off in the bedroom, seeing as the man was clearly uncomfortable with that idea. He wanted to know and see every part of Hank, but at the same time, he knew that some things simply needed time. Humans were complicated. But he didn't mind. He loved him no matter what and he could wait as long as necessary for his lover to open up.

It was late Apil, the snow has melted and the rains were less frequent. The weather was getting warmer each day. Connor could tell the temperature change was badly affecting Hank's mood. It was hard to get him out of bed on sunny days. He came back to excessive drinking again and skipped work more often to the degree where Connor had to contact Captain Fowler and ask for Hank's vacation days early.

Connor simply thought it was his clincal depression acting up. He reaserched the topic and learned that some people who suffered from the illness, sometimes could feel worse during the warm seasons. His affections and the need to comfort his lover only made Hank distance himself again, so Connor decided to give him some space that the man clearly needed. He still had an eye on Hank, remembering the night he found him black-out drunk on the kitchen floor, one bullet away from death. That memory made his biocomponents twitch painfully every time. He couldn't bare the thought of losing Hank. He wouldn't let that happen. So he hid his gun away.

One day once he came back from his usual one-hour walk with Sumo he found Hank waiting for him in the living room. The giant dog trotted away to chop on his food, not even paying attention to his owner. 

Hank was dressed up in one of his usual colorful shirts, that clearly screamed "hideous" (not that Connor would ever tell that to Hank) and a heavy brown jacket. His gray hair was neatly put into a bun on the back of his head, only a few strands falling down, framing his face. One side of his lips was slightly turned uprights into a little smirk. That cought Connor off guard but he smiled at that sight and came closer to embrace his man. Hank knew Connor found his 'manbun' extremely attractive and even so he rarely put his hair up, stating that "he looked like a fucking hipster on his way to Starbucks". Connor reaserched the term the first time he heard it and couldn't help but find the idea somehow appealing.

"You know I love your hair like this" he said happily and tucked one stubborn hair strand behind Hank's ear. He got a warm smile in return. "Do you feel any better?" he asked carefully, still holding onto Hank and breathing in his cologne.  _He took a shower,_ Connor thought and smiled gently _._ There were also no traces of alcohol in his blood after a brief scan. _Good. That's really good._

He got a little scoff  in reply and a long sigh.

"I don't know." Hank started seeminly in thought. "Fuck. When I woke up today, I felt like I've been neglecting you recently..."

"Hank, you know I understand..." Connor interrupted him but he was shushed with a slight kiss before he could finish. He was about to let the moment last but Hank ended it abruptly and looked him deep in the eyes.

"No. I've been acting like a fuckin' asshole, Connor. You don't have to pretend. I am fully aware." he insisted, more forcefully than intended. "You've been nothin' but wonderful to me and I've been... well... me." Hank sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose. "You've changed my life. You were the first person to give the slightest of shits about me in years! And I feel like I'm not being fair with you right now." Connor's eyes widened at the confession. Was Hank trying to push him away again? Did he change his mind about them? He wanted to break that train of thought but he saw that Hank's expression was calm and determined but his eyes still warm so he let it go.

"I just can't let myself fuck up this thing between us. It's too good. Even though I still think I don't deserve you..." he put his hand up as soon as he said those words, knowing he would surely be interrupted. The android pouted a little at the gesture but kept listening. "I want to make you happy, even if it sounds sappy as fuck. I don't want to be this miserable old man anymore when I'm around you. You don't deserve that kind of treatment."

"You're not... Hank." Connor leaned closer and put his hand on Hank's cheek in a loving manner, feeling his rough beard on his fingers and reached for Hank's eyes with determination in his own. "You're sick. I know you don't really want to acknowlege that it's a real issue... But depression is real and you can't cure it with a kiss, you can't drink it away, or fuck it away even thought the latter sounds appealing." he smiled briefly but Hank averted his gaze. "I just want to be there for you. No matter if you need me cuddled up with you in bed or sitting in another room, giving you space. I will do anything. Anything to make you feel better." Connor ended with a kiss on Hank's scruffy jaw.

Hank chuckled and placed his hand against the one on his face, gently rubbing it with his calloused fingers.

"And this is exactly why I don't fuckin' deserve your little, plastic ass" he leaned into a kiss again and this time it was a long one. Slow and sweet. They let themselves be lost in it for a while. Their tongues wandering, exploring each other like it was the first time ever. Just simply enjoying it until Hank had to take a breath.

"Please, let's not dwell on my shitty attitude for now. I wanted to do something nice for you today." he winked. "How about a date?"

Connor smiled and he felt his thirium pump skip a bit. They haven't been on a date for 2 months, 4 days and 16 hours. Not counting the "dates" in front of the TV that usually ended with Hank falling asleep on the couch. Hank wasn't really too fond of public affection too so they rarely got a chance to go somewhere nice. "Really? Are you sure you wanna go?" Connor's eyes gleamed at the thought.

"Yes. Now shut your pretty mouth and let me treat you." Hank took Connor's hand and started dragging him in the direction of the door.

"Wait!" The android stopped him without much of a strength, causing a slight anoyance on the older man's face. "Do you really want to go out there wearing this thing?" he pointed at Hank's old, heavy jacket.

"Yea, apparently I am." he blurted and was about to resume walking towards the door.

"Hank. It's 75 degrees outside. You will boil alive like a lobster" the android smiled playfully and pulled the man closer.

"Nah, I'm fine" however the droplets of sweat mustering Hank's forhead were indicating something completely opposite so Connor gave him the benefit of a doubt before he attempted to take the coat off of him.

Hank suddenly twitched and stepped away. "Really. I'm fine!" His voice sounded angry and annoyed all of a sudden. Connor frowned at that and his LED blinked yellow a few times.

"What's going on, Hank? It's just a jacket. You will feel much better once you lose it. I don't want you passing out on me from the heat." he said cautiously and stepped closer again. Hank sighted and placed a hand over his forhead, frowning w bit.

"Fuck... Connor. I just can't do this. Forget it, okay? Not like this. I..." he saw the worried look on Connor's face and all the words were suddenly stuck in his throat. He swallowed painfully.

"Hank. What is going on?" Connor started, stepping even closer. "I've never seen you without this old thing." he pointed at the jacket again. "This or a hoodie, a sweater of some kind... Hank. Are you really that afraid of me seeing even the slightest part of your skin? Do you really think this badly of me?" he squinted his eyes a little but there was no anger in them. "I love you. Every part of you. No matter what..."

The pure affection in Connor's eyes was way too much than Hank could stand right now. He closed his lids and leaned his back on the wall, never even realizing that he had backed out so much to reach it.

"Take it off. See for yourself." he whispered ever so siletnly that if Connor was a human, he would probably never hear that. Hank's heartbeat accelerated as he felt Connor's hot breath on his throat. The android placed a few wet kisses on the man's neck once his soft, slender hands were pressed over Hank's chest and slowly started moving them to the collar of his coat, raising it up. Hank moved his shoulders to help get rid of the heavy sleeves. Eyes still closed shut, mind racing like crazy. Once he felt the chilly blow of air on his biceps, his whole body tightened involuntarily but he let it keep going until the coat landed on the floor with a heavy thud. He didn't want to look at Connor. His mouth felt dry and he could swear his neighbours could hear his racing heartbeat. And then there was a deafening silence that felt like forever, ringing in his ears, making his stomach shrink in pain. _Why was this so hard?_

*

At first Connor didn't see anything out of the ordinary and was about to laugh and hug his human but then the jacket fell down completely on the floor, reavealing Hank's pale arms. And then he saw it all. Countless of white and slightly pink, shiny lines glistering in the sun all across Hank's skin. Going all the way from his wrists to his biceps. Criss-crossing and meeting each other at various points. Angry ones, with no particular direction and more purposeful ones, either vertical or horizonal in close approximity to each other. Long and short ones. Soft, slightly visible and the ones that made Connor loudly inhale the air that he didn't actually need - thick, bold lines that created slight little dents in Hank's skin. There were so many that one could mistake them for a one big mess of a scar. Even Connor couldn't count how many there were exactly. He had no idea what to think or say. He just looked at them. Every single one. Self-inflicted with a sharp object. His LED was stuck on red. Quick scan showed that the oldest scar was 36 years old. The most recent one was 3 years old. He felt a raging anger and sadness buliding their way inside him, like he'd never felt before. He was just standing there and he couldn't take his eyes off of them. There was nothing he could say to make things better and he knew that. Suddenly he felt completely useless. Hot, wet streaks started running down his cheeks but he quickly wiped them away with the backs of his hands. He had to be strong now, he reminded himself. Hank had trusted him. He showed him something he was the most insecure about.  
Without any more thought, Connor fell on his knees and grabbed both of Hank's hands, making the man shiver and forcing him to look at him for a second.

Connor brought his lips to Hank's right wrist and started gently kissing all the scars he could find. Moving up to his bicep and down again, trying not to miss any of them, changing between one arm and another, rotaring Hank's arms around slightly so he could kiss everything he could. And then he heard a quiet whimper from above that made his insides twist. But he didn't stop. He continued kissing and running his hands through everything until he heard the whimpers get quieter and then stop eventually. Once he felt like he could speak again, he began to slowly stand up. 

Hank was finally looking at him. His blue eyes all puffy and red. That was a lot to take in. He wanted to erase this image from his internal memory but he knew it would never really leave him.

"Hank..." Connor could hear his own voice crack but he forced it through. He had to be strong. For Hank. "This doesn't matter to me. I still love you. Nothing can change that." Hank avioided his eyes again so Connor stepped closer so their noses almost touched and then cupped Hank's face with his slender hands. "Please. Listen to me. You are perfect to me just the way you are. Even though you can't see that, this is how I see you. You don't have to hide yourself from me. You don't have to be afraid. I know your own thoughts make it hard to believe. But please, try to believe me." Hank's eyes were now on Connor but they were almost unseeing. Looking right through him like he was a ghost. Connor sighted and pulled him into an embrace. He couldn't stand the empty expression so he hid his face in Hank's shirt. "You don't have to be ashamed." he whispered softly. "Just talk to me. Please. Don't push me away..." after a brief moment, Hank had nodded timidly and walked to the couch. Connor followed immidiately and they both sat down on two separate ends of the sofa. Hank was still avoiding eye contact and Connor didn't push him. Instead, he focused on the vein pulsating on Hank's forhead.

"Please. Can you tell me... Why?" his voice cracked slightly again at the last word. 

Hank's vision was stuck on his own, shaking arms. "I'm gonna need a drink first..." he was about to stand up but Connor brought him back down with one hand.

"Please. You did so good today. I know you haven't had any yet. Just... Do this for me. Just today." he knew it wasn't fair of him to ask that. It wasn't an easy battle between Hank and alcohol but he needed him sober right now. Hank just sighted loudly and nodded.

"Can't you just... I don't know, google it?" Hank pointed towards his temple mockingly as Connor's LED blinked red again. "I bet there are a lot of educating articles about why people are fucked up enough to do this." He looked at his arms again and crossed them against his chest, trying to hide them away.

"There are... But I want to know why  _you_ did this to yourself. _You_ are what matters to _me_." Connor wanted to hug him again but he knew how tense Hank was right now. He needed a little space.

"Jesus fucking christ... Just- Just fucking ask then. I don't know what to tell you." he muttered. That was progress.

"Maybe start with how it all began. Why did you... Why did you start doing this?"

Hank still wouldn't look at him. He leaned on the edge of the couch and sat there silently for a bit.

"I was just tired. . . I don't remember how old I was. 17, maybe 18. Fucked up time in everyone's lives." he chuckled, which startled Connor a bit. "People your age think you're a loser and treat you like motherfucking garbage if you're not exactly like one of them or have enough money to be intimidating. And adults that are supposed to support you, think they already did their job so they couldn't care less about your pathetic ass. So one day instead of crying and wanking myself to sleep I found myself in the bathroom, reaching for my father's blade. He had way too many anyway so I took one to my room. Somehow I thought that cutting my own veins and giving up on life would be easy. I was such a fucking coward..." his voice was calm and colected. As if he was telling Connor about his day at work. He felt this throbbing ball down his throat as he listened to the man he loves tell him his story. "My first fucking bad was that I cut the wrong way and way too shallow. There was no way to damage the vein like this. But as soon as I felt the pain and saw the blood dripping down my fucking wrist, I felt like I had my life under control again. I felt like I had the power to do whatever I wanted. It felt like a high or even an orgasm to a point. And it would also leave a mark. Something to remind me how fucked up I really was..." he stopped for a while and dared to look at Connor. He immidiately regreted that move. The android's expression was empty but there were tears running down his face. He was sitting there motionless.  
"Uh... It's not like I was the only one doing that. I'm a millennial for fuck's sake. We did so much stupid shit, we were a truly fucked up generation, I tell you." He chuckled again. "I've been doing that for a while. Sometimes even a few times a day. But always in places that could hide it well. On the wrists where I would wear those thick leather bracelets, or on my thighs..." Connor immidiately looked down there. He's never seen those either. He felt guilt raising in his stomach. Not like he could ever force Hank to undress and show him. But still.  
"After I finished Police Academy and nobody cared anymore to ask why the everlasting long sleeves and all that, I was getting more and more careless. Cutting higher, deeper, more..." Hank let out a quiet growl. "Sometimes it was the only thing that would get me through the day. I realize it was an addiction. Back then I was trying to convince myself that I had the control. When in reality, it had the control over me." Connor was still silent. He was looking down at his fists, tightly shut, making his knuckles turn white. "When I got together with Cole's mother, I restrained myself a bit. Felt like maybe it was time. But she didn't know. Not that she would really care anyway. There wasn't anything between us. We only married because she got pregnant and that was the right thing to do back then." Hank put one hand over his eyes as Connor let out a silent, knowing sigh. "When Cole was born, I stopped completely. I felt like I finally had a purpose in life now. So I actually started taking care of my sorry ass." Connor saw a faint smile on Hank's face. "We all know how long that lasted." And the smile was gone as if it never was there in the first place.  
"After the... accident, I did it one last time. Was very through with it too. Had to even stich up some cuts on my own because they wouldn't fucking stop bleeding. And before you ask, no, I couldn't go to the ER. If they saw this mess, they would have locked me up in a looney yard "for my own safety". So after that, I just started drinking, got divorced and the rest is fucking history as they say..." Connor couldn't find any words, still. He was looking at Hank through tears. He couldn't process the fact that the man he loves so much, has hated himself through his whole life to this extent. He never though it was that bad. After a solid five minute silence, he finally decided to curl up to Hank's side. He placed his arms around the older man, letting his tears fall dawn on Hank's shoulder. The man returned the embrace. He held him tight and hid his face in the android's brown, perfect locks. They always smelled amazing. The two of them just sat like that for what seemed like hours before they could speak again.

"Do you regret that?" Connor asked silently, with his face still burried in Hank's shirt. He was slowly able to calm down the spasm of tears.

"Fuck... Of course." Hank uttered through his teeth. "It ruined me. I was a slave to that fucking addiction. I lived only to feel the blade tear me apart every night like it was the only thing that mattered. I was pathetic. When I broke free, I felt like a new man. It was hard to get used to living without the pain. Sometimes it was all I could think about. I got reckless on duty, seeking pain everywhere. The slightest cuts and bruises could get me all worked up. But I managed to stop completely. Only to fall into arms of another addiction." he glimpsed towards an empty whiskey bottle lying on the table. "So I still am pathetic..." Connor shushed him by clinging harder to his side. He raised his trembling hand and started gently tracing his fingers through the scars on Hank's arm as if he was afraid he could damage it any more.

"Why wouldn't you tell me before?" Connor heard himself whisper.

"You know why." Hank's voice felt raspy. "You're so fucking perfect, Connor. Every aspect of you screams 'perfection', how could I tell you?" he cupped Connor's chin to finally look him in the eyes. He found fear and sadness there that he never wanted to see again. "I know that's really shitty of me. I'm an old, fucking man with issues beyond understanding. And here I have you, perfection incarnate, clinging to my side, looking at me with those fucking puppy-dog eyes like I'm some big fucking deal, when in reality you are so much better than me and deserve so much more... And I just couldn't bring myself to show you how much of a broken man I really was. I was selfish..." Connor couldn't take this anymore. He let go of Hank and straightened up on the sofa. His look determined as ever when he was scanning Hank's face with those chocolate eyes. It made Hank shiver.

"I know humans are complicated. I know you are. I know you have issues. I know you have problems understanding why I'm here with you, why I chose you. Some things just don't have to make sense. They just feel right. And this right here, between us, does feel right. So even if I have to keep telling you this everyday, every second for the rest of my life, I will, until you believe me. I love you." He put his hand on Hank's knee and squeezed. "You fucking moron." He added and leaned in to kiss his cheek. Hank looked at him wide-eyed. "What? I can come up with cute pet names too." the android said and winked. Fucking winked. A warm laugh escaped Hank's throat and soon Connor was laughing too. After a while they fell on the couch, tangled together.

"I love you too, you gorgeous idiot." Hank whispered while stroking Connor's hair. "And I will try my best to believe you. If you really wanna be with this washed-up, old prick, I ain't gonna make it any more difficult than it has to be. Not anymore." he felt Connor's soft lips on his cheek and closed his eyes slightly. "It's gonna take time. You can't erase a lifetime of self-hatred in one second. But I will try to limit my grumpiness to let's say 44%." he heard Connor chuckle and immidiately felt warm inside.

"Good. Just no more secrets anymore, okay?"

"No more secrets" he agreed.

"And I'm gonna take my sweet time to examine every single inch of your hot bod tonight." Connor's hand found its place on the inner side of Hank's thigh, making the man quiver pleasantly.

"Connor..." Hank laughed again trying to cover up his growing excitement.

"Every. Single. Inch." Connor claimed and playfully nibbled on Hank's ear.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried my best to present this story the best I could. I'm not gonna lie, it was heavily inspired by my own experiences. I'm a survivor like Hank and I knew I had to implement that in a fanfic as soon as the inspiration hit me. It was somehow cathartic to write this all down and I'm really glad I did.  
> I know it's a hard topic but it's a one that deserves to be talked about and explored. Anyway, enough rambling, I hope it was okay!


End file.
